Baby's Body Tossed with the Hospital's Trash
http://www.nj.com/hudson/index.ssf/2009/01/babys_body_tossed_with_the_tra.html
I had a long day and THEN received a call about this tragic case.
I spent a good bit of the afternoon just feeling "tired from the fight". Every thing I do today is a result of the loss of James seven years ago from preventable medical error which was then quickly compounded by the infamous "wall of silence". I am fully invested in a graduate degree called "Restorative Practice". No, it has nothing to do with Dentistry. It has everything to do with caring for the relationships we build, maintain, and even lose.
If you have read anything about me and my presence in the national healthcare safety discussion, you know that I am very eager to find some kind of redemption for why my newborn had to die - a civil suit, post verdict discussion with a defendant, speaking engagements, training new medical providers, and now a degree all about relationships and building community. I am easily a little bit crazy. Not sure that what I saw and felt my child go through would leave me any other way. In any event, what this mom is facing I cannot fathom.
What does she need?
Does she need the hospital CEO to call her and say, "I'm sorry"?
Is he/she the only healthcare provider who has had responsibility?
Will it help if she actually does have some suited lawyer or administrator or police representative say, "We found him."?
If someone takes responsibility and pays for her intensive counseling, will she then be "better"? Maybe in "time"?
It will be mere weeks, maybe months before many in her "inner circle" right now will step out for they simply cannot face her reality. After years, her life will look very differnt than it did two weeks ago or even today. Even if she does receive monetary compensation for this uncomprehensible violation of her basic human needs, how will her heart mend?
How can she handle everyday details like finances and paying bills when it all seems so unimportant compared to what she has lost.
What will anything matter anyway?
Can Restorative Practices play a role here? Yes. Not for sometime, however, groundwork can be laid. There is real grief work to be done during which every single wish she needs should be fulfullied. If she needs to yell at someone I pray the person on the receivng end (whether rightfully so or not) will allow her to yell and still be there when she is done.
If she needs to disappear into solitude, I hope those around her willlet her think she is but remain in a watchful position not too far away.
If she needs to go out dancing or laugh or shop or sit on a beach, I hope that everyone will make her wishes happen. As hard as it is, every compassionate relationship that can be maintained will be a saving grace.
We know that her son is with her. He is in her heart and in peace. He is proud that she is his mommy. He feels her warmth and her love. He knows that there would be no moreperfect a mother as her for him. He is not in any of the places the authorities are looking.
A new mom, however, is physically connected to her newborn for an extended period of time after the umbilical chord has been cut. The connection is so highly real, "phantom pains" are a common occurrence amongst those of us whose babies have died at or near birth. As such, we need to carry her through the anguish.
It has taken me nearly seven years to re-connect with the everyday. And it is work. For years nothing really mattered. I had a child buried underground. What else was there? Fortunately through the unselfishness of a few people (I can count them on one hand), I began to feel other things again. There were years where I did very little. Now, I am probably allowing for too much in my life - full time teaching, graduate work, and volunteering. My bad day today consisted of a disagreement with a professor and worrying about my eldest's college tuition. As I laid in my bed overwhelmed by the sadness that didn't make any sense, I rolled over and grabbed my son's picture. I just really really miss him. I always will. Maybe in seven or eight years she will be "okay" enough to get wrapped up in the insignificance of life again. But for now, life is much bigger than that. And the healthcare system as it stands right now, as a whole, is directly responsible. That means doctors, administrators, insurance, lawyers, and even patients are responsible. We are all potential patients.
What do we know that we didn't believe? What have we heard that we wouldn't consider? What did we see that we were too afraid to report? How many times have we said, "..but for the grace of God go I"?
Yes, babies die everyday - especially in a country with the worst infant mortality rate among industrialized nations. He should not have been discarded so carelessly.
I am so sorry.
I had a long day and THEN received a call about this tragic case.
I spent a good bit of the afternoon just feeling "tired from the fight". Every thing I do today is a result of the loss of James seven years ago from preventable medical error which was then quickly compounded by the infamous "wall of silence". I am fully invested in a graduate degree called "Restorative Practice". No, it has nothing to do with Dentistry. It has everything to do with caring for the relationships we build, maintain, and even lose.
If you have read anything about me and my presence in the national healthcare safety discussion, you know that I am very eager to find some kind of redemption for why my newborn had to die - a civil suit, post verdict discussion with a defendant, speaking engagements, training new medical providers, and now a degree all about relationships and building community. I am easily a little bit crazy. Not sure that what I saw and felt my child go through would leave me any other way. In any event, what this mom is facing I cannot fathom.
What does she need?
Does she need the hospital CEO to call her and say, "I'm sorry"?
Is he/she the only healthcare provider who has had responsibility?
Will it help if she actually does have some suited lawyer or administrator or police representative say, "We found him."?
If someone takes responsibility and pays for her intensive counseling, will she then be "better"? Maybe in "time"?
It will be mere weeks, maybe months before many in her "inner circle" right now will step out for they simply cannot face her reality. After years, her life will look very differnt than it did two weeks ago or even today. Even if she does receive monetary compensation for this uncomprehensible violation of her basic human needs, how will her heart mend?
How can she handle everyday details like finances and paying bills when it all seems so unimportant compared to what she has lost.
What will anything matter anyway?
Can Restorative Practices play a role here? Yes. Not for sometime, however, groundwork can be laid. There is real grief work to be done during which every single wish she needs should be fulfullied. If she needs to yell at someone I pray the person on the receivng end (whether rightfully so or not) will allow her to yell and still be there when she is done.
If she needs to disappear into solitude, I hope those around her willlet her think she is but remain in a watchful position not too far away.
If she needs to go out dancing or laugh or shop or sit on a beach, I hope that everyone will make her wishes happen. As hard as it is, every compassionate relationship that can be maintained will be a saving grace.
We know that her son is with her. He is in her heart and in peace. He is proud that she is his mommy. He feels her warmth and her love. He knows that there would be no moreperfect a mother as her for him. He is not in any of the places the authorities are looking.
A new mom, however, is physically connected to her newborn for an extended period of time after the umbilical chord has been cut. The connection is so highly real, "phantom pains" are a common occurrence amongst those of us whose babies have died at or near birth. As such, we need to carry her through the anguish.
It has taken me nearly seven years to re-connect with the everyday. And it is work. For years nothing really mattered. I had a child buried underground. What else was there? Fortunately through the unselfishness of a few people (I can count them on one hand), I began to feel other things again. There were years where I did very little. Now, I am probably allowing for too much in my life - full time teaching, graduate work, and volunteering. My bad day today consisted of a disagreement with a professor and worrying about my eldest's college tuition. As I laid in my bed overwhelmed by the sadness that didn't make any sense, I rolled over and grabbed my son's picture. I just really really miss him. I always will. Maybe in seven or eight years she will be "okay" enough to get wrapped up in the insignificance of life again. But for now, life is much bigger than that. And the healthcare system as it stands right now, as a whole, is directly responsible. That means doctors, administrators, insurance, lawyers, and even patients are responsible. We are all potential patients.
What do we know that we didn't believe? What have we heard that we wouldn't consider? What did we see that we were too afraid to report? How many times have we said, "..but for the grace of God go I"?
Yes, babies die everyday - especially in a country with the worst infant mortality rate among industrialized nations. He should not have been discarded so carelessly.
I am so sorry.
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